Why ‘Being Nice’ Is Cruel: 4 Uncomfortable Lessons from Radical Candor
Introduction: The Misery of a Bad Boss
We’ve all had one. The boss who micromanages, the one who takes credit for your work, or the one who is just plain mean. Many of us live in fear of becoming that person. This fear often pushes new managers toward an instinct that feels safe and right: the desire to be “nice.” But what if that very instinct is what makes you a bad boss?
Many common management practices, especially those born from a desire to spare people’s feelings, are deeply counterproductive. The following insights, distilled from Kim Scott’s influential book, Radical Candor, challenge the conventional wisdom about what it means to be a great leader. They reveal that the most effective path to leadership is also the most human—but requires mastering behaviors that feel profoundly uncomfortable.
1. Your Attempt to Be “Nice” Is Actually Cruel
Managers often face the dilemma of delivering difficult feedback. The instinct is to soften the blow or avoid the conversation altogether to spare an employee’s feelings. This is a catastrophic mistake.
In her book, author Kim Scott recounts a painful story from her time as founder of Juice Software. She had an employee, “Bob,” who was universally liked but whose work was terrible. She saw the truth from the beginning; when Bob handed over his first major project, she realized he also knew his work wasn’t good enough—”the shame in his eye and the apology in his smile… were unmistakable.”
Yet for ten months, Scott’s desire to be nice prevented her from telling Bob the truth. She offered false praise, telling him his work was a “good start” when in reality it was incoherent. She allowed him to “deceive himself,” giving him no incentive or opportunity to improve. The team’s morale and results suffered as they were forced to cover for his poor performance. Eventually, she had no choice but to fire him. In their final, miserable conversation over coffee, Bob was blindsided. He looked her straight in the eye and asked two devastating questions.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” As that question was rolling around in my mind with no good answer, he asked me a second question: “Why didn’t anyone tell me? I thought you all cared about me!”
Scott’s failure to be direct not only led to Bob losing his job but also contributed to the failure of her company. She calls this behavior “Ruinous Empathy.” The attempt to be nice was ultimately cruel. This lesson is critical: being unclear to “spare someone’s feelings” prevents them from improving and jeopardizes their job and the team’s success. Scott later learned this lesson from a stranger who saw her struggling to control her new puppy, Belvedere, near a busy street. The man first noted, “I can see you really love your dog,” establishing that he cared. Then, he delivered a direct challenge: “But that dog will die if you don’t teach her to sit!” He showed her how to give a firm, clear command, and the puppy immediately sat. His parting words became a mantra for effective management: “It’s not mean. It’s clear!”
2. Great Teams Need Stability Just as Much as Growth
In the fast-paced world of growth companies, there is a common assumption that every employee must be on a steep upward trajectory, constantly gunning for the next promotion. This view, however, is deeply flawed.
Scott learned a new framework from a female leader at Apple that distinguished between two types of high performers: “rock stars” and “superstars.”
- Rock stars are the “Rock of Gibraltar” on a team. They are masters of their craft, deliver exceptional results, and provide critical stability. They are world-class at what they do, but they “didn’t want her job or to be Steve Jobs.” They are happy where they are.
- Superstars, by contrast, are on a steep growth trajectory. They are a source of growth and innovation who “would go crazy if they were still doing the same job in a year.” They need constant challenges to stay engaged.
A healthy team needs a balance of both. As the Apple leader explained:
“…all teams need stability as well as growth to function properly; nothing works well if everyone is gunning for the next promotion.”
Scott admits that during her time at Google, she systematically undervalued her “rock stars.” Her bias for people on a steep growth trajectory caused significant unhappiness for valuable team members who were content and exceptional in their roles. This lesson forces managers to rethink their biases about ambition and recognize that a high-performing team thrives on a blend of stable, consistent experts and ambitious, fast-moving innovators.
3. Dealing with People Isn’t a Distraction—It Is the Job
One of the most common complaints from managers is the feeling of being an “emotional babysitter” or a “shrink.” The emotional labor of listening to team members’ personal crises, celebrations, and frustrations can often feel like a distraction from the “real” work.
Scott shares a story from her startup days when she felt completely worn out. She had cleared her calendar to solve an urgent pricing problem for an imminent beta launch—strategic work she saw as her top priority. But in a single morning, she had comforted a colleague who might need a kidney transplant, cried with an engineer whose child was in the ICU, and then celebrated with another whose daughter had aced a statewide math test. Drained and frustrated that she couldn’t get any “real” work done, she called her CEO coach, Leslie Koch, to complain.
Koch’s response was a transformative reframing of a manager’s purpose.
“This is not babysitting,” she said. “It’s called management, and it is your job!”
Scott realized that this “emotional labor” is not just a part of the job; it is “the key to being a good boss.” This lesson is powerful because it validates the human side of leadership—the listening, the relationship-building, and the caring that often feels undervalued. It gives managers permission to invest their time and energy in the people on their team, recognizing that this work is the foundation upon which all results are built.
4. The Best Leaders Don’t Want Your Agreement; They Want Your Challenge
There is a persistent myth of the all-powerful, top-down leader who rules by decree. Figures like Steve Jobs are often portrayed this way, but the reality is far more collaborative and challenging.
Scott saw this firsthand at Google when Matt Cutts, a respected engineer, got into a heated disagreement with cofounder Larry Page during a meeting. Cutts started yelling, insisting Page’s idea would flood his team with “so much crap.” Instead of being angry, Page responded with a “big grin,” clearly relishing the direct challenge. He wanted everyone at Google to feel comfortable criticizing authority, especially his own.
This principle was just as true for Steve Jobs. Andy Grove, the legendary CEO of Intel, offered a crucial insight into Jobs’s leadership style:
“I didn’t say Steve is always right. I said he always gets it right. Like anyone, he is wrong sometimes, but he insists, and not gently either, that people tell him when he’s wrong, so he always gets it right in the end.”
Scott realized she could be just as direct, but only with people with whom she had built a strong relationship. She recalled a time at Google when Jared Smith, a trusted colleague, kept confusing Slovakia and Slovenia in a meeting. After the fifth time, she snapped, “It’s Slovakia, dumbass!!” Because Jared knew how deeply she respected him, the sharp correction was an effective and affectionate shortcut to get him to focus. It wasn’t an act of aggression, but a testament to a relationship strong enough to support extreme candor. The most effective leaders don’t pretend to have all the answers. They understand that the best outcomes are achieved collaboratively, and they build teams that are obligated to dissent in order to arrive at the best possible answer together.
Conclusion: A More Human Way to Lead
The surprising lesson from Radical Candor is that great leadership is not about power or personality, but about humanity. It demands we embrace uncomfortable conversations, rethink ambition, value emotional labor, and demand challenge. It requires a set of behaviors that are often counter-intuitive but are ultimately more respectful and far more effective.
As you reflect on these lessons, ask yourself: What is one difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding this week, and how could reframing it as an act of caring change your approach?
